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But the new, big family also brought newer, bigger responsibilities. More than anything, I want to remember how it feels to love him, and to really see him. We sit for 20 minutes in a cafe, waiting for our gate to be called. There is an acute novelty in not being needed for caring, instead doing something purely for pleasure. Although I want the mess, the reality is terrifying. Having another baby will be like letting a wild animal into our life. By the time Lester, is eight months old, Pete and I are in danger of seeing one another only as caregivers, of failing to even see one another at all.

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